Internet ruins people. People ruin everything. Ergo MADNESS.

I kind of miss not having the internet (and I don't just mean for a couple of months whilst having router issues, I mean the prehistoric times when the internet didn't even exist). I sometimes wonder what I did with my time back then, and vaguely remember calling friends instead of leaving graffiti on their walls (although I sort of did that then too...) but although the internet has given us access to a world of information and given us the opportunity to reach out and touch numerous amounts of people, it's also enlightened us to the fact that:

People are freaking idiots.

I don't mean the ones who can't add, or the ones who never remember which way round the i and the e go, I mean people who put a profile picture of their eyes or them hiding behind a carefully placed box to cleverly convince people they're not fat. Bored housewives unleashed upon messageboards everywhere to be frustratingly obsessed with the acting/singing/dancing lustbunny that they will wear their typing fingers down to the bone to swear blind they feel nothing but parental love for. The serial blogging narcissists - oh, how the rays from their rear ends blind us from our computer screens!

I miss enjoying a film or a tv show without some imdb dickhead arguing about how the main character is gay. I miss discovering music the hard way and when comics and books really were an escape and not just a fashion statement. I miss when the things I loved weren't ruined by other people who I never would have been aware of without the open maw of the internet.

Ignorance was bliss, I just didn't know it at the time...

Onwards, Upwards, Outwards...

Ladies and maybe one Gentleman, I am at an impasse.

Life as I know it is gut wrenchingly boring, and my days consist of waking up earlier than necessary so I don't feel robbed of "Time Not Spent At Work", avoiding members of the household who insist on being in the kitchen when I just want to have breakfast in peace without making small talk with people who I don't get on with, getting a lift into work with a friend (gawd bless 'er!) and rolling into work at 20 past 8 just in time to spend the next 8 or so hours death staring the clock into moving faster. And when those clock hands finally limp to the finish line at 5pm, I have one and a half hours travel to look forward to on the buses for a journey that only takes 20 minutes by car. Of course, all then I can be bothered to do is open a beer or three and pretend I don't have to do the same thing tomorrow...It's a strange feeling, to hate to go to work and yet knowing that you need the job because of the money, and that you're probably lucky to have a job at all.

But is this a healthy way to live life? Heck no! I spend most of my day avoiding things, whether that be people or just the heart breaking truth that This is not where I thought I'd end up.

But is it enough of where I wanted to be that I can still get by? I'm putting out an albums worth of (admittedly unmastered) songs, I've been offered a gig in France, I mean to me that's pretty amazing and something I would have been so happy to know I would be doing in the future, had I been told that at the age of 15... maybe that's the problem. Always comparing reality to some idealised view I had when I felt about school the exact same way I feel about work now.

Who invented this 9 - 5 culture? Who decided that money was the middleman and trading had to go? Don't people realise how insane it is when they have spent their entire life with nothing to show from it except a next generation with the same dull pointless prospects? We've created a race of people with nothing to gain, nothing to strive for, no dreams! We've been told that the biggest achievement we can have in life is a job, a house, two kids, a marriage, and all that of course is fine but what else?

When you meet someone for the first time, generally you used to get asked "What do you do?" and you'd have to give them your job title while you then both feigned interest in explaining and listening about what that entailed - now you're more likely to hear "What do you do for a living?" which at least acknowledges that 99% of the time (and these percentage are 100% legit, of course.) you aren't your job, and also allows you to look bored while you briefly explain your current job title as an insurance advisor.

It's easy to slip into those 9-5 shoes, numb yourself so you can make it through the day because if you realise it's only 2pm and you've been sitting in that chair for 6 hours and still have 3 to go...well, I'm surprised there aren't more people jumping up and running screaming for the exits.

So! It's all well and good to have a moan (I am English, after all) but to be unhappy with ones situation and do absolutely nothing about it is unforgivable. You get one life, in one order, and if (touch wood) I get to a grand old age without losing my marbles, I'd like to be able to sit at the window in my nursing home and watch the world go by knowing that I truly experienced what it had to offer.

I want to ride a motorbike. I want to travel across America and get a snapshot at what daily life is like for people from state to state, I want to see their familiar sights with brand new eyes and wonder how different it is from theirs. I want to travel around Mexico. I want to experience Día De Los Muertos in Guadelejara where the dead live in love and orange flowers cover graveyards like snow. I want to play the ukulele in Hawaii and realise what it is to be a tourist. To walk the bustling streets of Japan and to be the one out of place. I want to go to Ireland and feel at home. I want to live.

I don't know how this life will go, but if I don't do something then I'll die sad and brittle along with the rest of them. So this is my plan:

1) Complete the CBT and buy myself my first 125cc. I'm no sportsbike enthusiast, and the Yamaha Virago is something I've had my eye on (only slightly in the pervy way.) Idealistic as I may want to be, I still need money and I still need my job for at least another year. This way I get to do something I've always wanted to do since I gatecrashed a biker gathering at a pub as a teenager, and I get home quicker as well. Bonus! Also, bike skills will come in handy in another point later...

2) Pay off all debts. Those sneaky little credit cards with their empty promises can sure pack a financial punch with interests. When all's said and done, I'm lucky enough to be living at home so there's no excuse not to be paying off these things hardcore! And I can finish off paying back the pennies (or multiple pounds) that I've borrowed over the years from my parents. No financial ties...

3) Save. This bit will most likely be the killer. It means maximum incomings and minimum outgoings, working 6 days a week without spending boredom money on crap, but the payoff will be worth it.

4) Travel. This is the goal. I know where I want to go, I'm open to visit places I've never heard of. I want to meet people who can teach me how to throw off the social inhibitions I was raised with and who I can meet myself around. People who each have their own little piece of the puzzle called Life - it'll be like philosophy pokémon!

5) University. Ideally by this time they'll have scrapped tuition fees, but probably not...Anyway! I never went to University because I didn't complete Sixth Form. Nobody could tell me why I needed to be there and I sure as hell didn't have any answers for myself - besides, they didn't let you smoke on college grounds, and at that age I didn't really care about much else. It's taken a few years, but I'm shrugging off that educational apathy bit by bit with Open University courses (despite one tiny meltdown and a week in which I missed all three deadlines for all three of my courses) and I want to have a University experience. Whether I go with English, Scriptwriting, Linguistics, Psychology, Creative Writing is all up in the air right now, but hopefully whatever I choose in the end will help with the last point...

6) Live. The last thing in the world I want to do is do everything I've said I'll do so far, graduate from University (again, touch wood...) and go straight back into that 9-5 routine, being a big fun ball of hate once again. I think if that ever happened then the emergency plan would be to repeat parts 3 & 4 again, but hopefully I'd be travelling every few years or so anyway...

I used to wish I could see into the future, visualise the outcome of every little decision made before making it so that I'd never be surprised and I would know that I always ended up where I wanted to be, but I just didn't get it. By focusing on what may happen, what could happen, I didn't actually put any thought into what was happening right now. I never got round to achieving anything because by always watching the future I was forgetting to make any changes in the present, and I just stopped.

And now, the first task is to stop worrying, stop obsessing, and stop being so goddamn self involved - the path ahead will always be there, so it's about time to start walking!

Hark how the bells...

Here's a little update on how things are going. In a nutshell, I still don't smoke, and other people still smell.

In other news: Today was for many people, the last full day of Christmas shopping (not including the drunken menfolk who pop in to Ann Summers on Christmas Eve to buy probably ill fitting lingerie for their soon to be ex-girlfriends...) and didn't everybody know it! All the reluctant shoppers were out in force, the kind who are so flabbergasted with the amount of choices available that they end up grabbing the first thing they saw (after staring at everything else in the shop for a very even three minutes each) and wandering home in a daze, swearing off all forms of shopping until next year. Thank God for Internet food shopping, is all I say, in the olden days those kinds of people were simply forced to hibernate for most of the year.

So I was browsing the pre-packaged pyjamas sets in Peacocks, dimly aware of being sandwiched in by 5 packs of pastel underwears on the right, and a jungle of monstrously fluffy dressingowns behind me, when a tall, bald man shuffles up to the left of me and eyes up the 18-20 cupcake jimmy jams on my right side. It's a bit of a pickle, I'm not quite decided between the yellow penguin set or the more traditional red tartan, but his body language is certainly hinting for me to move and the desperate look in his eye tells me that he's not about to wait around for me to make a decision. He bravely attempts to circumnavigate the fluffy jungle, unfortunately forcing me to walk as far into the hanging packs of pyjamas as possible, in serious danger of reaching some form of nightwear Narnia. His steely determination to grasp the soft terry towelling of the pink cupcake print pyjamas makes me wonder whether in fact they were not destined for a rather particular female at home, but to keep this decidedly awkward man roasty toasty on cold winter nights...

Having decided this was a far better conclusion for his behaviour, I extricated myself from the plastic pyjama set cover I had inadvertantly become stuck to, and took my leave of the shop.




Then apparently impulse bought out of spite.

The rest of the days activities were far less eventful (and thankfully, far less awkward) but I dd manage to get a vegan roast stuffed with cranberries and wild rice for my Xmas meal, and some non-alcoholic mulled wine. Not that I've particularly given up alcohol, but after reading the "morning after" facebook updates of the Saturday night party goers, it's nice to have something else to reach for. Reading the hungover facebook chaos is like experiencing a tiny drunken version of a Christmas Carol, featuring Friend A as the ghost of that glass of wine yet to come, and you as...Bob Crachet, or Kermit the Frog, Im not sure. Either way, you don't die but you do discover the meaning of Christmas.

Yeah.

Speaking of the meaning of Christmas (how convenient!) for a lot if people this means family. Whether this is the family you were born with, or the one you were lucky enough to pick up on the way, one of the great things about Christmas time is being able to enjoy the company of other people. I spent yesterday with a lot of family, catching up, eating food (a worthy Xmas tradition) and practising some sign language - my Uncle's partner is deaf, so there's a lot of BSL communication going on - and by the end of the night I was reminded of how good it is to spend some quality time with your family. I wish I could spend more time with the friends I consider family but alas, until I pass my driving test that won't happen too often!

The other major happening around this time of year is New Years...how are you going to spend yours? This year instead of working at the pub (which has been how the last couple were spent) I'm heading down to Crawley to hang out with a good friend of mine. We're staying in and watching Supernatural, surrounded by platters of home cooked goodies to nibble on, whilst doggysitting her aunties pooch. I seriously can't wait...there's something to be said for good company and great programming instead of drinking your entire bodyweight in rum and cursing the entrance of the new year.

And there you have another update. Never fear, for there will be more, and they will contain stories far better than bald men and pyjamas. Next post will feature a spotlight on up and coming fashion company Kiss Me Quick Boutique as they host their first clothes party in the historic town of Worcester (visit their website at www.kissmequickboutique.co.uk for a sneak preview of their lovely clothes) and also to come will be a step by step guide to a vegan's Christmas dinner. Mayhem! Clothes! Sprouts! Don't miss it.

Friends, Romans, Geeks...

Welcome...big plans are in place for this blog. No longer need you wonder what I had for dinner last night, or what my opinions are on the burning issues of today (they range from the apathetic to the mildly awkward) or even of yesteryear (did secondary school ruin my grammar skills, or were it Buffy the Vampire Slayer?).

Everybody should have a blog. Think how much more exciting life would be if it imitated the blogging world! School children invading your public transport? Unfollow. Someone shortchanges you at a shop? Delete. Sadly, we live in a world where we actually have to deal with our problems, and reacting to situations with a long and heated monologue filled with rhetorical questions (plus an introduction and conclusion) is generally frowned upon.

So with this being an introduction to my own personal collection of monologues, here's a condensed and highly biased rundown of what the life of Count Jerkula is really like...

I quit smoking a month ago. I like the fact that I don't smell of smoke anymore, but hate that I can now smell everybody else. Ignorance really is bliss. Every so often I like to cook, and I promise myself that I'll do it more often but sadly lose motivation after a week or so...but still, never stop trying! I've tried going vegan a couple of times before and one day it will stick... I was raised on Buffy and now co-habit comfortably with Supernatural. Everytime I fill out my occupation on forms as "Administrator", I die a little on the inside. My favourite artist is a Detroit maestro by the name of Spencer Bell, who passed away in December of 2006 of adrenal cancer yet still continues to inspire people every day with his music and the fantastic tales from his family and friends (check out www.spencerbellmemorial.com to meet your new hero!). My second favourite artist is myself, because I have no other source of publicity.

Www.myspace.com/leahaworth

Yay!

Aside from all that, my days are filled with working in an office, learning to drive, writing stories and doodling. Much, MUCH doodling. So stick around, and who knows what invaluable gems of wisdom might be found? Probably none, but we can pass the time with a tale or two anyway.